Oct 16

Oct 16 Where It All Began - The Story of We, The Story of ME

For 10 years, I have been working for myself, building 2 successful businesses during that time. But you have to understand that it wasn't always my dream to work for myself. Yes, admittedly, I think I have always admired people who took the entrepreneurial path. But I was laser focused on climbing the corporate ladder and rising to the top of my industry. I fell in love with retail field marketing and had a great desire to grow my skills and see how far that path would take me. In fact, 15 years ago if you would have asked me if I would be working from home, CEO of my own business, raising twins, I would have looked at you like you were absolutely crazy. Being a work-from-home mom was not at all on my radar.

However, as some of you may well know, life can change in an instant. One event can completely alter your way of thinking and reshape your perspective on what you want out of life. For me, it wasn't just one single event or moment, it was a series of events over the course of almost 3 years. Loss and grief have a way of humbling you, making you vulnerable and altering the way you look at the world. Your views of what's important can completely change. This is the story of my battle with infertility and pregnancy loss. It's also the story of how how I was broken down and made whole again, so that I could be prepared for the greatest joys in life and new pathways, ones that have opened doors I never could have imagined and closed those I was never meant to walk through.

Please, grab a tissue, and join me on my journey. But know, I'm only getting started.

A Journey of Faith, Loss, and Love

Someone once told me that God would turn my pain into something positive...it was so hard to hear at the time and to be totally honest, I didn't really believe it. After all, how could anything good come from so much physical and emotional pain?

Infertility and pregnancy loss are topics people don't often talk about let alone write about. I hope in sharing my story it will provide comfort and support to someone who has faced similar circumstances or are perhaps in the midst of their own storm.

Phil and I had been married for three years when in August 2008 my company moved us cross-country from Kansas City to New Jersey. This new role meant no more regular travel and Phil’s company made it possible for him to work from home. Things were falling into place and for the first time since getting married, Phil and I decided we were ready to start a family. No planning or charting of any kind...we decided to let nature takes its course.

Before long we were pregnant. On a total whim, I decided to take a pregnancy test. Noticing what could have been some early pregnancy symptoms, I thought, “why not?” Seeing that first faint positive brought a flood of emotions...I was both overwhelmed with happiness and freaking out at the same time! I remembered thinking, “wow, that was almost too easy” since we hadn't been trying for long.

We had only been in New Jersey a couple of months. Suddenly, I was seeing an Obstetrician (OB) and picking up a copy of “What to Expect When You're Expecting. “ The idea of becoming a mom was finally sinking in and I was getting really excited. Because of a pre-existing blood clotting disorder (Factor V Leiden), my OB referred me to a Perinatologist.

It struck me for the first time – a pregnancy isn't a guaranteed thing. I left the appointment full of fear and uncertainty. After taking some time to process, I felt complications were a possibility but decided they could be controlled with medication and careful observation.

As we were preparing to travel to St. Louis for the Christmas holiday, I got up around 6 AM with horrible cramps and bleeding. When I couldn't get in touch with my OB, we contacted our Perinatologist. He met us at the hospital and an ultrasound confirmed what I already knew deep down – our baby was gone. We had been looking forward to telling family about our baby news and instead we were sharing our grief. I didn't actually think we would ever have to say good-bye to our first child. Christmas of 2008 will forever be a difficult memory.

By April of 2009, I was pregnant with our second child. News of this pregnancy left me feeling both happy and guarded. My Perinatologist shared with me that almost 50% of first-time pregnancies end in miscarriage. It may sound odd, but this “statistic” brought me comfort. If our first pregnancy only had a 50% chance of survival, it meant our miscarriage could have been an anomaly. Perhaps it was related to my clotting disorder or some other underlying condition. There was no way to know for sure. We remained hopeful this pregnancy would be different, but at 7 weeks we lost our second child.

After two losses, I had so many questions. Many of which my OB could not answer. She gave me a referral list of Reproductive Endocrinologists. In doing so she informed me that it normally takes three miscarriages before a referral can even be made. The fact that she was referring me to a specialist confirmed we were no longer an anomaly. Something was wrong.

Several months passed and my work was becoming very stressful. A combination of the market crash and a company merger had left my job in question. Departments were being consolidated and jobs cut. By the end of July 2009, the inevitable happened - my entire field marketing department was laid off.

Only a week after losing my job, I was pregnant for a third time. I’ve always believed things happen for a reason. The loss of my corporate position essentially freed me up to take on a more important role – being a mother. In little more than a year, we relocated cross-country, moved twice, lost 2 babies and I lost my job. Our time in New Jersey was wrapping up at just the right moment. Phil and I were ready to say good-bye to the East coast and put a difficult time behind us. Moving back to Kansas City meant being closer to family, friends and returning to the care of my former OB/GYN whom I trusted. This was exactly what we needed. Surely with all these pieces falling into place, this baby was meant to be and we'd finally become parents. This new chapter in our lives felt right.

It would be late October before our move took place so I needed to set up short-term prenatal care. I decided to start with a new Obstetrician, one experienced with high risk pregnancies. Rather than trusting a list of insurance-approved providers as before, I began to research patient reviews and get recommendations. I found wonderful doctor who offered reassurance and encouragement while reviewing my pregnancy history - let's call her Dr. C. During our first visit, she conducted a viability ultrasound - this was the first time we had ever heard or seen our baby's heartbeat. I will never forget that moment, instantly falling in love with a tiny blip on the screen. Dr. C set us up with a new Perinatologist to be monitored weekly via ultrasound. Week after week, Phil and I bonded with our perfect miracle, watching the tiny life grow and change inside me.

At 11 weeks I underwent a routine first-trimester screening - blood work to check for genetic abnormalities and a more in-depth ultrasound to take measurements, check blood flow and various other things. First trimester screenings can go one of 2 ways – assure you that your child is healthy or it can reveal possible causes for concern which warrant additional testing. Looking back, I wish I had known it was optional. While insightful, the testing left me afraid and worried. Some women may choose to terminate a pregnancy if early screenings show signs of severe genetic abnormalities or potentially life-threatening concerns. No matter the test results, I had no intention of ever electively ending my pregnancy. Around 11.5 weeks, we were told about a number of potential complications with the baby. Blood work indicated an increased risk for Trisomy 18, a severe genetic condition that is not often compatible with life. The inclusive ultrasound revealed an enlarged bladder and possibly a single-artery umbilical cord. Our dreams of meeting this baby and living blissfully ever after were replaced with uncertainty.

The following Sunday I went to church for the first time in years. I found a Methodist Church in the small town of Butler, New Jersey about 15 minutes away. After searching the internet for nearby churches, I felt compelled to try this one. My choice to attend would later reveal itself as a huge blessing. I attended service there several times before we moved. Each visit brought me a measure of peace and comfort as I prayed for the life of my unborn child and asked God to bless us with a healthy baby. At my last service at that church I remembered wishing I could take it with me to Kansas City. In just a short time I had grown fond of its congregation and dreaded the idea of finding a new church family once we moved. I listened as the Pastor spoke about his recent trip to Overland Park, Kansas for a United Methodist Church leadership conference. My ears instantly perked up as just a few weeks earlier we had bought a home in Overland Park. How was it possible that while sitting in a small church in New Jersey the pastor was referencing a church in the very town we were moving to? It had to be a sign from God. The church in Overland Park turned out to be only a few minutes from our new home and would become my sanctuary in every sense of the word.

My pregnancy reached 13 weeks and our little miracle was still thriving. Soon we would be over that critical hump into the second trimester. Everything I had read indicated if we made it to 14 weeks, our baby's chance of survival increased dramatically from that point on. Despite our first trimester screening results, we were confident our baby would beat the odds. Our baby's heartbeat was good and he or she was keeping up with the expected growth rate. Excited and ready for our weekly peak at baby, the Sonographer moved around my belly. But the look on her face and the silence of the room told me something was wrong. Our Perinatologist stared at the monitor. Phil gripped my hand tightly as she told us our baby had no heartbeat. I sobbed uncontrollably, shaking in reaction to this devastating news. How could this be happening? Only a week ago we were sharing our pregnancy news with friends and family and now we were in this horrible nightmare. Our baby sat lifeless in my womb. After two of longest days of my life, I underwent surgery to remove my still child.

About 2 weeks later, Dr. C called with the pathology and chromosomal test results on our baby, a little girl. She did in fact have Trisomy 18. Her life ended due to circumstances entirely out of our control. Dr. C suggested Phil and I undergo genetic testing. While one or two pregnancies may be lost due to random chromosomal abnormalities, we had a third loss and should be tested for a rare condition known as translocation that affects only about 5% of the population.

Halloween weekend we returned to Kansas City. There we were, moving into our new home we had purchased with the intent of growing our family. Now the extra rooms were simply painful reminders of the babies we lost. Phil was back to work and I found myself all alone in an empty house without a child or a job to go to. This is when I discovered the depths of depression. At that point, there was no light, only darkness.

I immersed myself in the process of unpacking and checking out our new surroundings. I found the Overland Park church my New Jersey Pastor had mentioned. Sitting in the parking lot, staring at it from my car window, there was no doubt God had led there. That next weekend, my family was set to come to town to celebrate me turning 29 and help us unpack. I shared with my dad the desire to attend the new church and he offered to go with me to Sunday's service. My sister also accompanied us. We weren't there more than a few minutes when I opened the bulletin to see a support group listed near the bottom. Right there in bold print was the reason I was at this church at that moment. The support group was for women battling infertility and miscarriage. Tears streamed down my face. For the first time in weeks, I had hope. The group was scheduled to meet that next Saturday morning and I was one of the first to arrive. These women offered me were such an incredible gift. After 3 pregnancy losses, I had found a place to talk about everything I was feeling, my all-consuming grief and a longing to connect with people who understood. These women offered me a kind of healing and support that no one else could. Some were still on their own journeys while others were there to offer hope.

December 2009 I reconnected with my OB/GYN in Kansas City, Dr. M, to undergo genetic screening. Results came back right before Christmas - I was, indeed, diagnosed with a genetic condition, a balanced translocation, and was passing on either too many or not enough chromosomal material to my babies. Dr. M explained this was likely the cause of our miscarriages. We were referred to a genetic counselor to help us better understand our circumstances.

We met with a genetic counselor in January 2010 and left the appointment feeling a little encouraged. The genetic counselor said we had a 50% chance of conceiving a healthy pregnancy, comparing our circumstances to a coin toss and explained each time we got pregnant, the odds were the same. We could continue to try to conceive on our own, but additional miscarriages were possible. The alternative was Invitro Fertilization (IVF) with Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD). From what we found through internet research, IVF was incredibly expensive and the PGD screening added even more to the cost. Financially, we were in no position to afford this kind of intervention and insurance rarely covers fertility treatment. Not many people I know have $15-$20,000 just sitting around in the bank. I was still out of work and the move back to Kansas City had been expensive. We wanted children so badly but at what cost? Phil and I had a lot to discuss.

With that information, we decided trying to conceive on our own was really the only option. Phil and I became pregnant a 4th time in February 2010 and like our others, this pregnancy ended. Again, I had to have a D and C. Test results revealed we lost another daughter and her cause of death was related to Trisomy 13. I couldn't keep going through this.

We began looking seriously into IVF, researching fertility clinics and aggressively building our savings. If we were going to spend the money on IVF, we would not limit ourselves to clinics exclusively in the Kansas City area. Through extensive research we identified four doctors to review our case. Over the next year we gathered all the information we needed to move forward, talking to doctors in Missouri, Michigan and Kansas along with 2 different labs who handle genetic testing on embryos, each ultimately giving us the same prognosis.

In May 2011, before undergoing IVF, we lost yet another baby. While IVF was already on the horizon for us, I held out hope that the timing of our 5th pregnancy might actually mean avoiding the procedure all together. Six weeks went by, then 8 weeks and I was still pregnant. We finally agreed to an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy was viable. With so many losses under our belt, I dreaded ultrasounds, literally avoided looking at the monitor and covered my ears in case there was no heartbeat. After 4 previous losses, I was terrified to have hope. The Sonographer reassured me the baby had a strong heartbeat and things looked pretty normal. For a moment I let myself believe this could be it. Two weeks later our 5th baby passed at 10 weeks gestation.

July had come and we were excited to get the ball rolling with IVF. I started my primer medications in preparation for my cycle. IVF would be our last and final stop on the road to having a biological child. I desperately wanted to carry a pregnancy to term and experience giving birth and holding my baby for the first time. If this couldn't happen with IVF then I felt we'd have some closure knowing we tried everything in our power.

August 14th, 2011 I went in for my egg retrieval, my ovaries had responded well to the medications, giving way to 24 mature follicles. This was amazing news! IVF is really a numbers game – the more follicles you have, the more eggs to retrieve. The more eggs retrieved, the greater the likelihood we would have embryos to transfer. Seventeen eggs fertilized, 15 grew to day 3 for the genetic biopsy and 12 made it to day 5. Day 5 was the day - everything was resting on the news we would find out on that day. . At most, the statistics we had been given indicated we would have one healthy embryo. One embryo was all we needed! Phil and I anxiously awaited a call from the clinic. We received our call to come in and go over the results, bracing for the worst, trying not to get our hopes up. The doctor told us we had not one but three genetically healthy embryos! The pregnancy success rate was as high as 80% with healthy embryos. This was nothing short of a miracle. I praised God and thanked him for this unexpected and miraculous outcome. For the first time on this long journey there was light at the end of the tunnel. The doctor gave us the option to transfer 1 or 2 embryos. We knew transferring two embryos would increase the odds of pregnancy, despite an increased chance of twins. We were ready to have a baby! That morning we saw our 2 tiny embryos on a monitor before being transferred into my womb.

Our maternity photo shoot, March 2012. Photo credit: leighmillerphotography.com

On April 26, 2012, we welcomed our daughter, Evelyn, and our son, Reid, into our family. After nearly three and half years, 5 miscarriages and a twin pregnancy filled with hurdles, Phil and I became parents. There is no feeling more amazing in this world than holding your child for the first time, or, in our case - children!

The journey was long but the reward was great. We held out hope even when it seemed there was none. Faith, family and perseverance got us through the most difficult time in our lives. Because of the long, arduous and life-changing path to parenthood we were forced to travel, I ultimately decided to leave my career behind and become a stay-at-home mom to our two precious miracles, never missing a moment. Today Reid and Evelyn are thriving first graders and time with them flies by quicker each year. Even on the most challenging days of parenting, and there are many, I'm thankful to be their mommy.